do not feed the ron

bowball:

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF COXSWAINHOOD

1) Thou shalt not weigh more than your lightest rower.

- It may seem silly, it may seem stupid, but it definitely happens. Look, considering you are effectively dead weight in the boat, it’s best not to have it be too much weight. I really don’t think there’s anything else to add to that.

2) Thou shalt not oversteer.

- Inexperienced coxswains have this absolutely lovely (read: it makes their stroke seat homicidal) habit of oversteering. Once you’re in a race, unless you’re literally rowing in hurricane-like conditions, you should not be moving the rudder string more than an inch. EVER. Of the many frustrating things a coach will see during a race that makes him or her feel helpless, is the “S” tail your stern leaves in the water. If you’re bouncing around your lane like a bowling ball off gutter rails, you’re making your crew row a longer race than everyone else in your heat. Don’t do it.

3) Thou shalt not emasculate your male rowers if you’re a girl coxswain.

- It’s frustrating. It isn’t nearly as effective at pumping your oarsmen up as you seem to think. And we will wind up spending our free time thinking about all the evil stuff we’d like to do to you, your friends, your family, your dog, your future children, anyone who shares your zipcode…We spend 2-3 hours a day at least running around in spandex. We don’t need any more help getting in touch with our feminine side.

4) Thou shalt not emasculate your male rowers if you’re a MALE coxswain.

- We’ll actually do the evil stuff to you, your friends, your family, your dog…You’re a 125 lb. soaking wet human megaphone. We’re large, aggressive, overly competitive testosterone deposits who still lack fully developed neocortexes and will not think twice about opening up your skull with the blade of the oar, just to shut you up.

5) Thou shalt not cox women’s crews if you’re a male coxswain.

- …

6) Thou shalt not forget to charge nor forget to bring your Coxmate.

- These are exceptionally helpful tools. They will provide you and your coach with information over the course of practice that is normally limited to erg use. They also help keep your over-eager stroke seat in check. The practices that you forget to bring them will often descend into meaningless meat-stick contests as your rating goes through the roof, your puddle clearance goes to hell, and you’re unable to keep track of where you are in a given piece. Your friendly neighborhood seven seat will happily staple them both to your inner thigh if you subject him to too many practices with the over-eager stroke.

7) Thou shalt not be late to nor miss the coxswains meetings or weigh-ins.

- We do not care how far away the course is, how early you have to wake up, nor do we care how late you were up the night before. With the ego-boost of being the one necessary component comes the responsibility — if you are not cleared, your boat isn’t cleared. No matter how bad it might be to wake up early and have to get to the course yourself, that will be nothing compared to the pain your rowers will put you through if they also have to drive to the ends of the earth only to find they’re unable to race.

8) Thou shalt not drink your rowers water.

- So long as we’re the ones sweating, hands off. If you’re throat gets so parched over the course of practice that you must steal our water, bring your own.

9) Thou shalt not call the sprint early.

- There is only one thing worse than hearing your coxswain call out your sprint and then discover you have 10-15 more strokes, and that is, knowing the course your racing on, knowing you’ve got 550 meters to go and hearing, “Okay, in two, build it up to the sprint thirty. One! Tw-“…In that brief moment before the second stroke, every single rower on the boat will briefly lift their eyes towards the heavens and offer up some quick prayer, pleading that they are wrong and the course is somehow magically shorter than they remember. Any Catholics, who are of course familiar with the ‘quick Hail Mary’, will mouth, “Hai-Mennnn…” and then hold on for dear life. Given that we race 1500m courses, the sprint is an absolutely key tactic in your race plan. Some would argue that, in 1500m racing, nothing really matters until the last 400 meters. So if you’re calling a start, several moves, and then call your sprint 150m early, your crew is gonna be hitting their peak effectiveness with around 14-17 strokes to go. Which means you’ll be slowing down as the rest of the pack hits theirs. As with most of the above commandments, breaking this one will earn you the ire of your crew, team, and pretty much anyone involved in your program.

And finally,

10) Thou shalt NEVER, EVER pass your headset to your stroke seat.

- Anyone who’s spent any time at stroke will have developed an ego not unlike that of Benito Mussolini. This is both their strength and their weakness. By the end of the season, everyone will hate the stroke seat but begrudgingly doff their caps to the strokeman’s ability to pull everything together. The key is to have everyone hate him or her after all your races are done. If you let the stroke ever speak to the crew, through your headset and the boats speakers, especially on a race day, that eventual day of communal hatred will arrive a lot sooner.